BOOM!

I feel like I've been hit by a bus.
OVERWHEALMED barely describes how I feel today.
Yesterday's news blew all plans for the future out of the water.
Trying to stay positive about things, but when given the news that you are looking at 2-5 yrs WITH treatments... An aggressive grade 3 anaplastic astrocytoma is what the pathology determined was removed. The surgeon got the 'body' of the bug out, but the 'legs' run too close to major portions of of primary brain functioning areas to try to get them out with anything other than radiation and chemo.
I don't know how to feel today. I know that the statistics are skewed. Based on people aged 18-80 and in all states of health when they begin treatment. I do have that on my side - relatively young (35 yrs) and healthy... Resilient and as I keep saying, I am a survivor! Being positive is getting REALLY hard though :-(
Rori will not be coming home at winter break after all. Instead, I will be heading out to Hamilton after first round of radiation to stay with my sister who is a registered nurse and lives close to the Hamilton Cancer Center. So much for staying here and bringing my baby home!
I feel guilty that I sent her off so quickly, no chance to say good-bye to her friends and people here, visit her favourite places one last time, etc...  But she has settled in in her new school so well and is such a smart and happy girl that I know this is for the best.
I appreciate all of the support and love coming from everyone both here in Calgary and across Ontario.
I have A LOT to deal with right now, trying to keep my shit together while all I can think is FUCK!!!! Apologies that I am not exactly responding to anyone - I will see if I am up for it this afternoon!
Hugs and Love to everyone

Two Weeks Post-Op

Amazed at how exhausting recovery can be. Trying to keep the med-schedule straight has been a challenge, but at least I am now on the last changes-day and will be down to 2x per day tomorrow. Yeah!

Back and forth feeling fabulous or feeling like I've been run over by a truck. Steroids are NOT helping with sleep, nor are the sleeping pills I take at bedtime. Sucks that I cannot get more than 3-4 hours a night, but a couple hours of laying down in the afternoon for a sleepless rest seems to help at least. Slowly learning to listen to what my body is telling me. VERY challenging for someone who values their independence and is as stubborn as I tend to be!

I keep thinking about all the awesome people in my life who are being so incredibly supportive, thank you all :)

Big days and pushing hard

Recovery has been amazing, but I also know that I have been pushing myself HARD. Unsteady and exhausted after outings... Made it on the C-train today and all the way over to Devonian Gardens for an hour! Only felt nauseated for a short time on and off the train. Will have to remember to ask about what I can take to keep my tummy calm - right now I am on four prescription meds, plus tylenol, and am nervous about adding anything else that may not interact well.

Treatment plan will be discussed at an appointment Thursday morning at the TBCC. I am trying to stay positive as much as possible, trying to get myself ready for bus travel. The train today was a test. I think we will see how I feel before taking the bus to the hospital, it may not happen!

Thanks again to all the offers of food and support, even more thanks for keeping germs to yourselves - I know how bad back to school can be for illnesses! 

Take care 

Gratitude!

I am so grateful for living where I do. I had NO concept before all of this on how important a walk-able neighbourhood would become. Today has been a BIG day for me. With Safeway across the street, I made it around the store for over 30 minutes this morning. Came home for a few hours break before heading out again.

Riley park is beautiful, even though 10th street is busy to get there. Only a few breaks on the way (elevators and a lot of motion still bothers my tummy), but luckily I have many places to pause and rest as well as an attentive nanny for company. 

The squealy-pop healing sounds are slowly subsiding (apparently these are normal!), but still annoying and frustrating. Drives me nuts at times. 

Thank-you to everyone who has been so supportive! I know it seems annoying, but I am trying to stay as connected as possible with life before surgery and diagnosis (at least these headaches etc have a reason behind them!). I really DO want to hear from people, just may not always be up for answering right away. I appreciate all the sicko's who are not sharing their germs - coughing does hurt and I could not imagine trying to blow my nose right now! LOL

GRAPHIC CONTENT WARNING!!!! (POST-OP PICS)

Heads up that these are NOT kid-friendly!!! I think I scared the neighbour when she popped by to bring me some food ;-D 

Day after bug removal- OUCH!!

Swelling bad enough to not see, but was expected!

Recovering...

At home, before staples pulled!

After staples pulled :-D

Staple Removal Day :-)

Headed back to the surgeon this morning for staple removal.
Sprung a couple sprayers from the staples being pulled, unbelievably strange sensations, but apparently this is 'normal'. Pathology came back as a stage 3 astrocytoma, treatment plan TBD next week at the Tom Baker Cancer Center. Radiation for sure, maybe chemo too. The surgeon (who did the staple removal today as well the surgery last week) isn't involved in those decisions, he leaves that up to the TBCC experts.
Answers are coming slowly!
Thanks again for all the support :-D

One Week Post-op

So much has happened so fast. Too many people to thank for their help & support & encouragement.

Love to all. 

Cant't help but feel guilty for not being there for all those whom have begun to share their stories of grief and loss and illness - I wish I could have been a better support, I think regrets are overwhelming some days.

The first time I heard 'cancer' was this past Friday, September 11. Officially the surgeon and team (with great steady hands!) removed an Astrocytoma from the left frontal lobe of my brain. I am eternally grateful for no slips! Pathology is being reviewed to determine grade - at first, I was terrified because the lady from Tom Baker indicated that it was grade 3 or 4. Now they are deciding between 2 & 3 to help determine future treatment. 

I tire very easily right now. My memory is good, like I said - no slips, just a lot of weakness in my right side, but getting better with amazing care from my sister Lisa. She has been great - and today is her birthday ;)

I remember the frustration I felt waking in the Recovery Unit and not being able to say 'September'... Overhearing the nurses arguing and trying to get me to tell them the month and not being able to explain that this was expected was beyond frustrating - thankfully someone FINALLY, I have no idea on how long it was, explained that to the RU nurses and they stopped trying to force a whole word. Those came later :-) 

The repetitiveness, vomiting, and nausea wore me down a lot. Panic attacks hit over the weekend, but by Sunday I was ready to come home! 

Not allowed to drive for awhile, and my personal nanny has a seizure disorder which has prevented her ever getting a license, but we are well and as I have mentioned to a few people, I am a survivor and this changes nothing in that regard! 

Rori is being well loved and cared for in Ontario for the term, thank-you so much Auntie Jessica! My goal is to have her come home over the winter break. This WILL happen :-) 

Last minute prep-work :)

So... Check in is at 5:00 tomorrow morning. Cab is booked for 4:30.

I am beginning to feel anxious, but am also confident all will be well... Eventually. The docs just need to get this damn bug OUT!!! Mixed feelings all round tonight.

I know Rori is being well cared for, I had a good little chat with her this evening. I explained that I won't be able to talk to her for several days (at least!), wished her well on the beginning of school tomorrow (Ontario actually does begin after labour day), talked about her anxieties (new school is MUCH bigger than Hillhurst was!) and encouraged her not to be frightened. She will be fantastic, I am sure of it. That makes this all so much easier :)

As for me... I will survive. That is the one thing I am sure of. The journey beyond bug-removal will be long, painful, and full of anxiety and pressure, of that I am sure. But I will survive.

In the beginning....

I'm not sure where all of this started, but I am hoping to create a record of the journey - just in case I loose my memory, my ability to speak, understand, etc. At this point all that I know for sure is that I have a tumour. A fairly large one, on the left frontal lobe of my brain.

It all started, I think, last year (fall 2014) with the headaches. Not a new phenomenon by any means, I have been suffering from headaches since childhood. I became frustrated though with the limitations I felt they were placing on my life. I have never had regular medical care, but all the flyers in my mailbox for Foothills Medical Clinic eventually determined that I make the call, and make an appointment.

The doctor at the clinic ran blood-work, advised that I was anaemic, and sent me on my way. Eventually I returned again, spring 2015, with more severe headaches and dizziness. I thought it was odd that she told me that I no longer needed to take iron, but accepted that, stopped with the iron, and took the prescription for chiro treatments and massage. Neither helped.

June 11 (I remember the exact date because it is one of my sister's birthdays!) I went to work in Morley then to grab lunch at the local subway. At the subway I could not order my meal. I couldn't spit out or use language that should have been simple. Too embarrassed to do anything else, I sat for a few minutes until my speech returned, then fled the restaurant. By this point I had also been experiencing tunnel vision once or twice per week.

July 15 - documented on payroll, I became extremely dizzy while standing there talking to another staff member and was taken to the ER in Cochrane by co-workers. The doctor there ran many tests, including blood, urine, EKG, etc. He took my blood pressure while sitting and standing. The difference was a drop of about 15 pts. I wasn't sure what that indicated, but neither was he. They let me go after a few hours, once I had a confirmed apt with my family doc the next week.

She advised that I was not anaemic (apparently I am still, according to the Foothills doctors!) , but sent me for an MRI anyway. Luckily that took less than 6 weeks to schedule.

On Thursday August 27, 2015 at 7:15 am I went into the Foothills hospital for the MRI. And they did not let me leave until the Surgeon, Jon Kelly confirmed an appointment for me this coming Tuesday Sept 8th. That was late Monday the 31st of August.

Five days. Three nights of not being allowed to eat or drink anything from midnight until they decided that there was no way I would have an operation that day. I know that Trauma patients come first and I agree, they do take OR precedence. I just wish that the team on neurosurgery had been keeping me more well-informed. That's all. Simple communication, options, and discussion.

I am always and forever grateful for my sisters (Jessica for taking Rori back with her to Ontario for the semester, Mary for babysitting at her home to allow that to happen, and for Lisa who is here now with me...)
Thank-you to all the friends and acquaintances who have also come through - Stephanie for picking up my child from her sleepaway camp Friday morning, Jennifer for taking her overnight and collecting Jessica from the airport as I was unable to escape the hospital, Alanna and Danielle for coming to visit and driving my sister and child around (and use of discounts!), and Deirdre for being such a huge support at the hospital.
Thank-you all!